GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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