the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
