it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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