I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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