you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
