you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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