well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
