I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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