so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
