meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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