probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
