Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
