My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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