Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
