Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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