oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
