i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
