Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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