3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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