nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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