apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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