Your tits are I can't wait for
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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