Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
