Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I deserve this hangover.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
