you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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