All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
