cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
