Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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