is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
