My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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