I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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