the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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