he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
