At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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