Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
