Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
FUCK WHALES
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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