once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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