she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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