i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
