I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We got so high we made milksteak
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
