drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
