dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
false alarm, still single
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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