Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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