i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
