11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
