oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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