He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
