I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
