Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
