oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just threw up on my dentist
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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