I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
