Im at strip club and am horny
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
A+ Viking dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
