don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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